spit it out

So... I've noticed that every once in a while, some of you will say things that you absolutely need to say to anonymous people on here just to get it out. I've chosen to do this because everything feels (as I explained to my dear brother) "crappy in all these areas." I'm not sure if it's weakness that I can't actually say these things to people's faces so much as fear or love, but whatever it is, it is. Please don't try to read much into anything, please no assuming I'm saying these things to you, please no trying to pick them apart and bend them to apply to anyone and everyone. They are what they are, and I just don't want them inside of me anymore.

To you: I hate how hard I have to try and how I feel like I'm always explaining myself. It didn't used to be like that. I still love you more than you'll ever know. I understand. Really. And I'm happy for you. I just wish you knew that you were being fooled, and I wish I could have more times. Maybe we will. It'll just be different. I'm excited to try different though.

To you: Thank you for everything. For getting me. For putting up with me a lot of times. One thing I wish is that I could talk to you without worrying that you'll kind of... freak out. I want you to be happy for me, because (I hope) I would be just as happy for you if it was reversed. Also it will make me happy. And please, just try a little more. You are one of the most open people I know who still doesn't get it, and the end would make me unbearably sad. I love you too much for that. Ha, and I secretly suspect you of something, but it seems so small now. And I have zero proof.

To you: You're more than I deserve. But maybe exactly what I deserve at the same time. Interesting how that works. Thank you. And thank you.

To you: I'm not trying as hard as I should be. I'm sorry, I really want that, and I should be. We don't want to be this and we're making progress. It is hard though. But I feel so close to you. I want to be the person that you believe I am.

To you: You seem to be trying, I'll give you that, and thank you. But there is still so, so, so much wrong. Please just go away. Go away peacefully. I'm afraid that's the only hope our relationship has. I want you to just leave us alone!! I expected the suffocation to stop by now, but I think it's only increased.

To you: Please stop pretending. It's never not been about you. Sometimes I want you to get caught in it all so that you will wake up. And so others will too. Mostly because I would still want you around if you could just.... ah.

To you: I know you know. Stop doubting yourself and him. I know how hard it is, even if I don't know exactly. But it's greater than that, by so much. Just give in and let it go from there, ok? You have no idea how strong his love is.

To you: I'm not sure if it's right, but I think you should do it. It's going to suck, but I think it'll get better.

To you: I'm so sorry! Please do not pay attention or follow.

To you: I know it hurts, but please don't make it any harder for her or us. It's hurt us much longer.

And finally... I won't do fake. No no no. I've put up with it for too long.